Living With OCD (Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder)

Eight.
That’s how many times I have to blink after waking up to
a day full of very, very strange rituals.
Now careful not to get out of my bed with the wrong foot
and I am off to some algebra.
one-two-three one-two-three
Most people think that OCD means obsessively washing your hands
and trying to align everything.
Trust me,
Things are about to get a lot more fucked up as we carry on.
Now it’s time to attempt leaving the house.
I start by lifting my hand off the door knob
using in a very specific slow movement.
I enter the elevator and I stop it.
Obviously, You didn’t think I’d leave without checking the door, did you?
Don’t be silly. I’ll be back.
At least twice.
Yeah, there it is.
I go down. I enter the car.
Doing pretty well so far, no intrusive thoughts for the past 30 seconds.
Think I’m going for a combo here.
And then, Mr. Satan comes along and whispers into my ear:
Did you check the window, taps, lights, power?
And I reply: Yes Mr. Satan, I did.
But I have to go back and I have to check,
Otherwise I get the feeling something terrible might happen.
I love to eat,
but I am pretty sure that
if loaves of bread with unevenly spread butter
were the only food available on earth,
I would starve to death.
I also avoid certain meals just
because they have a weird texture that reminds me of worms
And I have to touch specific objects many times
until it feels just right.
But now that I think of it, that sounded weirdly sexual,
So please don’t take this out of context…
Anyway. Here comes the messed up part.
I get these terrible urges to…
ride off the road, hit a tree,
jump of the bridge, ride over my ex boyfriend.
And then I’m sitting there, wondering…
Am I really capable of doing all these things?
I don’t want to die and surely I don’t want to kill anyone.
(Though my ex is asking for it).
Sweet Jesus,how do I file a restraining order against this crazy bitch
And I can’t really blame you
but let me explain how intrusive thoughts work.
Most of us get them,
but normal people leave them behind
and they cheerfully get back to watching funny cat videos online.
Now if you have OCD,
you will start picking each thought apart
and the next thing you know, you are stuck with a bunch of new rituals
one-two-three-four-five-six-seven-eight
That make you look like you are high on acid.
And there is a part of me that knows
all of this is utterly stupid and pointless,
but giving in and – you know –
performing some witchcraft, is always so much easier
than having to face the terrible thoughts my mind projects.
I’m 27
and I am scared to death if I leave my bathroom door open.
I’d really like to be in charge
but at the end of the day, I know I…
just…
can’t…
stop.